Day 104: Who is Puo Puo?
Last night I asked my parents why they don’t speak more Chinese with my niece. Dad said, “biao ma fan” (don’t make a fuss). “If it’s you’re kid you can do what you want.” I told them that any modern science-respecting parents would prefer their children grow up learning multiple languages. The research is in! But Mom, hesitant and avoidant of something, claims that my sister used to be “against some Chinese things” but it seems like maybe that’s changed. I said,
“Okay, if I ask her and she says she wants you to speak more Chinese to [my niece] will you? I guarantee she’ll say yes.” They both reluctantly agreed.
I texted my sister asking if she’d be okay with it. She replied,
“Sure.”
Then, “Ask them why they don’t want to be called by Puopuo and Gonggong.”
I told her I would investigate.
-
Tonight over dinner — soy sauce and scallion pork chops, diced pickled green beans mixed with edamame, and sautéed spicy tofu with wood ear and chicken — I asked, “Linda wants to know why you don’t want to be called Puopuo and Gonggong.”
Mom wrinkled her nose towards her eyes, shook her head, and said, “That’s only what they say in Hubei. Most people don’t say that.”
I said, “So what? That’s what we used.”
Mom explained in most places they would say “Waipuo and Waigong” and in Shanghai they would say “Ngabo and Ngagong.” “But toddler isn’t going to learn Shanghainese.”
Dad chimes in, “No one knows Shanghainese these days. It’s useless.”
So I asked, “Why not just Wai Puo and Wai Gong?”
Mom shrinks her face and shakes again, but this time she turns towards Dad and launches into Shanghainese. I understand about 80%. (I think) She tells my Dad a story of how when she grew up she called her grandparents Puopuo and something else from the Hubei dialect. And every time someone heard her call her grandparents that, she would have to explain to them what it means. She said she was never bothered by it, but it can be bothersome.
Mom looks back at me, knowing I’ve understood most the Shanghainese, and speaks in mandarin, “Do you know how bothersome (mafan) it will for your niece to have to explain to people why she’s saying Puopuo and Gonggong instead of Waipuo and Waigong? And most people won’t even speak Chinese, of course they’ll be confused.”
I pressed a little longer but Mom kept going on about how none of the names would make sense: we’re not in Shanghai, she won’t speak Shanghainese, the mandarin way feels unnatural, unique to the Hubei dialect… Still, like how I imagine Linda felt, something of the truth felt shrouded in mystery.
I imagine Mom’s pain and I feel like crying when I reflect on the things she might not have said: “I don’t want to stand out” or maybe even “I don’t want to be picked on.”
To some extent I think Mom feels uncomfortable being called Waipuo because she identifies more as someone from Hubei or Shanghai. She never grew up saying “Waipuo.” Also, we’re not in Shanghai, and this baby does not feel Shanghainese. And Mom’s parents were from Hubei but she grew up in Shanghai. So who is Mom? Is she just “Grandma?”
Besides the genuine question of identity, I also know Mom was horribly picked on and bullied as a kid growing up during the Cultural Revolution. Her Dad fought with the KMT and the teachers and students knew this. She stood out. And she begins to tear up and cry whenever she comes close to retelling any of these stories.
While I was growing up Mom made pot roasts, spaghetti pies, and homemade burgers. Mom encouraged us to play sports like baseball, soccer, or football. We have tea sets and some other Chinese art at home, but we have few other ornaments that egregiously declare this a foreign household. Conscious effort or not, for being Chinese, Shanghainese, or Hubei ren, we relatively blend in.
I feel sad that Mom still carries with her these scars and fear of standing out again. I feel sad that Mom feels uncomfortable sharing her language. I feel sad that my niece might lose a chance to connect with a very real part of her identity and culture, and might one day feel the same regret I feel about not being able to better communicate with my grandparents. I feel like if there’s something I can do about it, I should do it.
I’ve added Chinese baby books to my Amazon cart.